Hi! My name is Charlie Zero, a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

This is Anti-Bullying Awareness Month and I thought I’d write something about my traumatizing experiencing as a victim of bullying, and how others should not be victimized or fall into the hands of coward-wrenching bullies.

My message here is to help those who are in need of a friend, to give you someone who will listen, and help spread awareness of this epidemic of violence and abuse.

Thousands of people each other year; kids, teens, and adults, are being targeted by bullies/cyber-bullies. Reality still hasn’t sunk in; people refuse to open their eyes and realize how much excruciating pain victims like us are feeling at this very moment. Our wounds have left us with scars for life. There’s no repairing what has been done to us, our only recourse is to be strong, be positive, and encourage. Those who are still suffering should stand up to their Bullies and not be afraid; show no fear in the eyes of a Monster. My story is to let you know that you are not alone.

As the stories are often told, from the beginning; It was 1986 that I was introduced to the world. Who knows when it occurs, but there is that moment when your parents witness your birth coupled with awareness of the outside world. Your Mom & Dad cry on how beautiful a baby looks for the first time, so fragile, so loving, & seeing their baby crying for no apparent reason. I’m sure none of us can recall such details of our birth, but sure enough our parents know full well the details of the birth process.

My own parents have tons of beautiful memories of me being a baby. My memories include my mom raising me, teaching me the values of life, to be respectful, and show good manners to people. My mom taught me so much and I love her for that; I took more of my mom’s side than my dad. As for my dad, he did care a lot about me, being playful, buying me toys; I guess being the only child in the house at that time does begin to show how happy everyone was.

My dad however; was always mean.

I do recall lots of incidents with him and my mom, even insulting my brother and sister. Dads are dads right? Wrong, my dad was brought up by his father who was a military solider from an earlier era. I was always curious as a child why my dad would be so mean to my mom, to me and my big brother and sister. My dad had his good times and bad times, what father doesn’t? If there was one thing my mom wouldn’t do, she wouldn’t let herself be bullied by my dad. When my dad would yell at her or anyone else in the family, she would talk back to my dad and set him straight. He would be quite or wouldn’t say anything for days.

An apology never left his lips; he would forget about it or pretend nothing ever happen. Sucks huh? Why are some people so prideful on not giving an apology; a simple sincere “I’m Sorry” would have been nice, but it never came. I guess his father would discipline him a lot and straighten him out like a good little solider.

Times were tough for my dad back in his days. Some people are who they are and they can’t ever change. Don’t worry everyone, I’m nothing like my dad, nor will I ever be like him. He’s a bitter old man, sour to life, and boring; still till this day he has never apologized when he yells at my mom and I.

Even my own sister at one point bullied me for a while. She has since apologized to me and she was truly sorry for what she did to me. See even people in your family can also become bullies. I love my sister a lot and since then she’s matured a lot throughout the years, having her own family, kids, and a wonderful brother in-law that I love so much. Forgiveness is a big deal to me and an important part in my life.

I have an acquaintance that lives next door to me. I will refer to him as ‘The Neighbor; you’ll know why he is just an acquaintance in just a moment. My neighbor and I were close friends since we were little kids, always playing together, sharing toys, playing video games, and watching a lot of Saturday morning cartoon shows. He was always a good guy to hang around with. But as he got older his true colors started to show. He was the biggest bullies of them all, teasing and bullying me and his own cousin.

This neighbor of mine was pretty awful on us. I had thought elementary was the worst thing in my life time, but I was wrong. Middle school was a new level of Hell for me. My neighbor always had the nerve to make fun of my parents, making pervert remarks about the way they looked and he always made fun of the way I dressed, wearing the same clothes every day. He would slap me in the head make fun of my last name. His mom would actually join in on the teasing and bullying as well. Can you believe that? His own mother was teasing and bullying me.

My neighbor attended an all catholic school, he was always considered to be the popular kid in school at the time. He would always get the girls because they found him to be very charming, yeah right! Don’t flatter yourself kid. He had a lot of guy friends who worshiped him as if he was a god, they followed him around like little puppy dogs. They would always go over to his house to play video games, play sports, and watch a lot of porn.

When I would come home from school after getting teased and bullied all day, I would always go over his house and he would continue to tease me along with his flock of sheep. So the question that the reader is pondering right now is why did I go over his house knowing how much pain and hurt he caused me? I guess I felt he would someday say “I’m sorry” to me. Maybe even ask his forgiveness. But it never happened.

Till this day he hasn’t said he’s sorry or even apologized to me. So both middle school and coming home was just pure Hell, hurt and pain, day in and day out, with no escape from the torment. I’m going to confess something to you all. I wanted to commit suicide every single day. I cried every day not knowing when the pain and hurt would stop. I was thinking about killing myself everyday hoping I could end my life, hoping all the deep wounds and misery would help me embrace eternal sleep.

 Then something happened, something that would change my life forever, something that would give me hope. 1994 the year grunge died; and the mourning of our lost savoir Kurt Cobain. Then the rise of industrial music broke through the mainstream because of one man, Trent Reznor, of Nine Inch Nails saved rock ‘n’ roll once again. When a friend of mine introduced me to his music I was shocked and amazed, crying out in pure joy, I was feeling angry, hateful against the world, hateful against god, his music spoke to me like no other.

Nine Inch Nails, “The Downward Spiral” was an acclaimed shiny golden album that topped the charts at that time. I remember playing the cassette the first track “Mr. Self-destruct” hit me in the heart, something I’ve never experienced in my life. His lyrics, the sounds, and noises of that record were distorting a vision of me, a consciousness evolving from my own organic slime. I found a true hero, a father figure, a friend, someone who listens to me, someone who spoke for a generations to come. Trent Reznor literally saved my life. His music, voice, an angry sound changed me and his message saved me by preventing me from killing myself.

I had snapped back into reality and found my true self, slowly but surely. This time I had to hold my anger against those who have done me wrong. Finally, in 1996 Marilyn Manson released “Anti-Christ Superstar”, an album that would change a Goth culture forever. Both Nine Inch Nails and Marilyn Manson changed everyone who looks different, dresses all in black, gay, transgender, weird, etc…Manson saved our miserable lives. After I graduated from middle school and I still had to deal with people’s bullshit and bullying.

High school…ah…the prison of all prisons. High school for me would have been a bit okay but the teasing still continued on and all the shit talkers would be such two-faced assholes! I took up a sport that everyone did and got popular in early 2000.

Skateboarding was my calling. I had been so afraid to start high school, because I distinctly remembered how Hollywood movies would dramatize scene on how high school life was. In reality it’s the opposite. High school is nothing but a collection of separate groups: you have your jocks, hip-hop people, casual, Goths, Skaters, taggers, gangsters, nerds, punks, metal-heads, posers, Geeks, etc. These groups are all based on politics; just like in prison you’re either with the blacks, whites, serial killers, Mexicans, Asians, crazies, sexual deviates, and many more. You find your cliché groups and you don’t venture outside to mingle with others.

Skating for me became something I loved doing, but not as much as I love writing poetry, which of course I started writing first and skateboarding second. I meet some cool friends, and I was amazed how much my new friends talked to me. I felt like I was part of the guys and felt right at home. Skating every day with my friends at the time was liberating, fun, and I had lots of good and bad times. I’ve had cool friends and of course backstabbing assholes, who I still hate very much, even today.

High school was just a confusing aspect of life; I had my fair share of times with my enemies threaten me and what not. In the end, I realized after graduating high school that I would no longer be seeing these old faces. That I would now start to dislike some old friends, holding on to fond memories with cool friends, and hate everyone else for what they said behind my back and for what they did behind my back. You realized in the end, who your true friends are and who you can truly count on that’s me, only me.

Be good to others and you shall receive good karma in the future.
Let’s not discriminate against those who are different or look a certain way.
We are too fragile for this world; sometimes I feel like turning into a baby and climbing right back into my mother’s womb, stay there and not come out. Unfortunately, things aren’t that simple, it is what it is, and I’m here in this world. My advice to the bullies or were once bullies; if you ever raise your children the way you were or the way you are now– your kids will grow up to hate you.

Suicide world!
We are the outcast – who you have tortured, laughed at, abused,
humiliated, dressed up like a clown-Christ,
and left us impaled on a cross for your amusement parks.
You’ve pushed us into a corner
where misery is our fate.
Let’s drown faith in Satan’s teeth.

Hope gets contaminated in a jar full of feces.

When my soul keeps on slipping away-
I know death became the voice of my trigger endless life.

Can you taste the edges that bleed
from our painless scars?
Do you know what it feels like
to walk with your own casket?
Do you know what it feels like
to bury your own Eden heart on a grave?

Alone in this dead planet
and the pain that consumes me
makes our hate grow into fearless Monsters.

Isolation is home to my imaginary friends.

You and I can share the same suicide,
share the same pills, share the same demons,
share the same overdose, and share the same cruelty that we’ve all endured for a long life eternity.

I will leave you all with a final note:

“Death is an everlasting memory,
everyone will remember me, and I will be a legend, a poet, and a lonely voice.
Death is temporary –
Just like a growing flower that dies instantly.”

Are we still human beings?
Or,
is anyone else listening?